One Vision

So what would the world be like if it was run by a small, green-feathered former assassin? I was discussing this with Nemo the other day, since Nemo happens to be a small, green-feathered former assassin. Yes, he was once a killer-for-hire in a parallel space-time continuum before his fearsome reputation and unfailing completion of his hits forced him to seek refuge here in our universe. Being paranoid doesn't necessarily mean that everyone isn't out to get you. Now, to all outward appearances, he's just a regular old quaker parrot--but some of us know better. Nemo thinks he wouldn't necessarily be the right person to be in charge. He sees himself as more of an enforcer, the behind the scenes guy who takes care of the people who are too stupid to live, kind of the emcee of an ongoing Darwin Awards show.

Nemo: "Knock knock..."
Person lacking in intelligence or common sense: "Oh look, it's a cute little birdie!"
Nemo: Chomp, nom nom nom.

Okay, it's not pretty but it's what he's good at.

Superbeast

Once upon a time there was a very little doggy. This doggy was very little but had some big dreams, the kind of big dreams only a very little doggy can have. "I may be very little, but I have big dreams," he thought. Every night, the very little doggy would dream those big dreams and imagine how life would be when those big dreams came true.
One day as the very little doggy was out roaming the badlands in search of something to eat, scurrying from shadow to shadow to avoid becoming another's something to eat, the very little doggy saw a new thing. This new thing looked very like something the very little doggy had seen before, and yet unlike anything the very little doggy had ever seen. He circled the new thing very carefully, sniffing and trying to figure out what the new thing could be.
"What is this new thing?" the very little doggy said.
"I am the Angry Chair," said the new thing.
"What is an Angry Chair?" said the very little doggy.
"Sit on me and find out," said the Angry Chair.
The very little doggy wasn't sure whether that seemed like a good idea or a bad idea, and so pondered the options. I could sit on the Angry Chair, thought the very little doggy, or I could run away as fast as my very little legs can carry me.
But this very little doggy had big dreams, and knew that very little doggies with big dreams can't run away from everything forever and besides, maybe this was a friendly Angry Chair. Summoning up all the courage a very little doggy can muster, the very little doggy jumped up on the Angry Chair and sat. "What now?" the very little doggy asked.
"Well," said the Angry Chair, "I can't help but notice that you're a very little doggy, and in my experience very little doggies are worthless."
"That's a very mean thing to say, Angry Chair," said the very little doggy. "I'll have you know that I have big dreams."
"A very little doggy with big dreams!" exclaimed the Angry Chair. "You make me laugh and laugh, very little doggy." The Angry Chair laughed and laughed.
The very little doggy could feel a burning in a very little tummy, and blood pounding in a very little head. "Don't you laugh at me!" the very little doggy shouted.
"Does that make you Angry?" asked the Angry Chair.
"Yes, it does," said the very little doggy. "It makes me very Angry." Suddenly, a strange sensation rippled through the very little doggy's body, and the very little doggy began to grow and grow until he was very big. "Rooooaaaarrrr," said the now very big doggy, the sound rolling out across the land.
The Angry Chair laughed again. "Were your big dreams this big?" asked the Angry Chair. "Now you are the Superbeast. I like you when you're Angry."
The Superbeast looked out across the badlands, his badlands. "So do I."

Green Book

I've noticed that I haven't been reading many green books lately. I mean, I suppose that pretty much all the books I read are green in the sense of being biodegradable, but not many of them actually have green, like, covers. I've read green books in the past and many of them have been very good. I like blue books as well, except the test answer kind of blue books. Those I don't like, but maybe that's because I have to write them rather than read them. I do have quite lovely penmanship, so aesthetically speaking my blue books were very pleasant to look at and easy on the eyes. And the grades I got on them were pretty good as well. I just didn't like writing them. I might have liked writing them more if they had been green books instead of blue books, but I can't say that for sure since I've never written a green book. I'm gonna have to think about this.

Ride

I found out on of the reasons my car was so inexpensive today--the safety features have turned out to be not quite what I expected. I slid on some ice and hit a telephone pole and suddenly, from the center of my steering wheel, out pops some fat old guy spouting political rhetoric. Turns out my car was equipped with a windbag. After that accident, though, I've been thinking of equipping my car with reactive bumpers. They're similar to the reactive armor on tanks. If something hits my bumper, the bumper explodes. I'm not sure how safe that will keep me, but it would sure be exciting.

So Far Away

So, I spent a couple of months on Marlagg last weekend. It's a planet orbiting Teegarden's star, an M-type red dwarf star about 12 light years from earth. Strangely enough, it's inhabited by a race of red dwarves. I'm thinking of writing a novel about my adventures there, but right now it's a short story at best. They're not much for fashion there, mostly plate and scale mail accessorized with hammers and axes, but those little guys can quaff some ale. And tell elf jokes.

Crazy Dream

I had the craziest dream last night. I wanted to write it down so I could write all about it today, but it turns out that I slept through the entire thing. Weird.

Speaking of weird, I put on the wrong shoes this morning. I've been working on this miniaturized antigravity device built into a pair of shoes and, wouldn't you know it, I accidentally wore those to work today. I wasn't as happy as everyone thought I was, but I suppose that technically I actually was walking on air. The silly thing only works in fits and starts so I had my ups and downs, but I'll keep working on it. I'm also looking forward to my trip to Paris next week. I love fashion, and I just can't wait to see the latest in protective aluminum foil headgear and therapeutic lingerie.

Our Truth

Okay, I've been doing a half-assed blog for a while now. Well, maybe quarter-assed at best. Quarter-assed is a lot harder to measure, when you think about it, because half-assed has a natural dividing line built in. Anyway, up to now I've confined my blog entries to the most yawn-inducing parts of my life. I did that on purpose, believing that if I wrote about the things that really happened to me I would immediately be subject government scrutiny and very possibly alien abduction. However, I've decided that it's time the public knows the truth. Maybe Jack Nicholson is correct and you can't handle the truth, but as far as I'm concerned that's between you and your therapist.

So, a little background. First of all, time passes differently for me. My days are actually 29 hours and 17 minutes long for the most part, although there are times when I live in dog years. I do this as a courtesy to Emily and Peaches and they do appreciate it. If you've kept up on the boring stuff I've written previously, then you'll know that Peaches is ostensibly the most recent canine addition to our family. In actuality, Peaches is exiled alien royalty as are all of our "pets" (except for Nemo, who is a retired assassin who's wanted in twelve systems). Peaches is, in reality, the legal heir to a kingdom that exists inside a ceramic thimble in a collection owned by an elderly retired muleskinner in New Brunswick. I'd tell you more about her but she'd rather I didn't because the memories of her overthrow are still too fresh. I still have to spend a great deal of time every day reassuring her that the plot was the work of a few evil individuals and that the majority of her subjects are still loyal and long for her return.

That's probably enough for one day. I don't want to overwhelm you with such a tsunami of heretofore hidden information that it becomes unbelievable. Don't worry though, there's more on the way soon.